My husband has been off of his medication for about 4 months now and we have had some pretty big ups and downs. To add to the stress, we moved our family, I got a new job, and we just found out that my husband is also very sick. Life has a funny way of throwing things at you. There are some days where I just want to stop the train and get off. Most of the time though, I just try to be as supportive as possible and keep my eyes open for the triggers. I try not to push any buttons and just “go with the flow”. Not always the smartest idea but I have not found any other way to cope.

It is encouraging to see so many replies to my posts. It helps to know that I am not alone although if your spouse is anything like mine, you are not sharing this information. As to whether or not to stay with someone who is BiPolar, I can’t make that decision for you. God knows it is a very long road and if you choose to stay the path, the end result CAN be very rewarding but, and it is a very large but, you have to be able to make it work, the largest burden will fall on you. Your BiPolar spouse has their own internal problems to deal with, you have to be able to suck it up, hold it together, and stay strong.

The fight this weekend was because I do not keep the house clean enough, or I should say, clean enough for him. This for me is one of the hardest arguments that we have. We do not live in a large house, in fact, I would call this home very small. There are very few closet spaces, and I do my best to keep it clean and as tidy as possible. Unfortunately, there is no storage here, and sometimes things get stacked until I can file them away or box them and move them to the storage locker. Our fights always start with the piles. He hates piles up stuff, and I am expected to keep all surfaces cleaned off. This is harder than you would think, especially with two kids, a full time job, and a household to run. The responsibilities in this house, as far as actual work is considered, are all mine. He brings home the larger paycheck and I am expected to do everything else. (I should mention that my paycheck is well above the average and this idea that I should bear the sole responsibilites for our household really bothers me).

Over the years, nothing has changed in this regard, and you think I would have learned by now. I know what pisses him off, but somehow we continue to have the same fights over and over. I think I have it under control and then we fight again. The learning process when you are married to someone with this disease just goes on and on.

I would love to be part of a support group, to talk to other women, to hear what they go through. I just don’t know how that would work. How do you truly reach out to people and discuss something like this with the mental state that is creted by this disease?

I have learned much in my life but, understanding how a person with BiPolar disorder copes, and processes things mentally, is the one thing I will never truly understand.

Best to you all…

We were just about to start working with a new therapist. Actually scheduled two seperate appointments. Of course we didn’t make either. There is always some reason that he can’t get to the appointment. Usually, it is the time the appointment is scheduled. In this case, it was too late “who want’s to go and think about this crap after work?”. The second appointment was cancelled because it was too early “can’t make it, meeting ran late”. Now, this psychologist doesn’t want me to schedule the appointment. He wants my husband to call him directly, that way he can tell that he is commited to the idea of seeing someone. This means I should probably start looking for someone else. The problem is, my husband doesn’t want to see anyone. In his eyes, he has this disease under control. He doesn’t need a therapist to explain to him what is wrong. He can handle this on his own. I have to remain supportive, and not push to much. I know how much a therapist can help him. I have seen the results. We have had some really interesting discussions based on his sessions. It really helps him understand the depth of this disease.

But, for the past few years, we have only seen psychatrists. The difference is, the therapist can not write scripts for meds. But you really need both to handle the ups and downs of bipolar disorder. If your spouse has someone else to talk to about his emotions, everything does not get placed on your shoulders.

Unfortunately, my husband has abandoned our current psychologist, because he is not close enough. The one prior to that didn’t listen and just ordered more mind altering meds, and the one prior to that was unfriendly.

The medicine has run out and now the fighting has begun again. I don’t know what to say. All I can do, is hope that he decides to get back in to treatment, and soon. When the meds wear off, his triggers get much more sensitive, and life in our house gets lonelier and lonelier.

Hopefully, I will have better news soon.

Take care.

I expected by now that I would have seen a change is his behaviour.  Unfortunately, I have not. I went around the Internet world and found that a lot of what people are saying out there is that Lamactil takes time to work but, once it starts working, it works well.

My husband’s switch seems to flip very fast these days and when he is like this, he says some very cruel things. He isn’t usually one of those guys who will apologize later either. I tend to try and tune out what he has said so that I can go on and stay in this relationship. I am sure that may seem crazy to you, but ultimately, I love this man and he is the father of our children. You would be surprised to learn how strong you can be when you know that the cause of your husbands angry outbursts are triggered by his disease and not because he is a angry, mean man.

I sometimes wish this disease was more accepted. I have heard many people talking about BiPolar disorder and they are usually laughing or making jokes about a crazy person. If they only knew what it was like to actually live with a bipolar person the jokes might stop. I imagine though, if I tried to reach out to my friends for support, they would judge my husband, tell me to leave him, and might even change their behaviour around him after an episode. Even my closest friends (and there aren’t many) do not know about his disease or even this blog.

Well, back to reality. Time to get the kids moving and ready for school.

Catch you later….

My husband went off his medication again and decided that he needed a new psychiatrist. While this is nothing new, finding the right doctor is no easy feat. We have a good insurance plan so I do have options, but Bipolar people are picky and not easily pleased.

After doing a little research, I located a doctor I hoped would be compatible, scheduled the appointment and kept my fingers crossed. I ended up having to reschedule the first appointment and really had to push him to make it to the second. We finally ended up at the Drs, me and the kids waiting in the car for about an hour.

The new dr stopped all his medication (which he wasn’t taking) and put him on a new drug called Lamictal http://www.lamictal.com/index.html.  Apparently, it is supposed to help keep your mood episodes at bay. Unfortunately, it does not stop any episodes you are currently having. You have to start with small doses and build up. It is a long term treatment plan, but needs to be re-evaluated after 18 months.

So, we are currently battling the same old demons. He seems constantly angry and I have to constantly think before I speak. Will the next words out of my mouth send him in to a tirade? Basically, it sucks. Living with someone that is bipolar and not having anyone to talk to is a tough life to live. Not that I would change anything about my family, it just gets lonely here sometimes.

I haven’t discussed the disease with my daughter, she is still pretty young and the thought of explaining her father’s disease to her is unsettling. I know she wonders why daddy seems so angry at times, I just don’t know what to say.

At some point I will have to have that discussion with her, just not now.

For now, I am just counting the days until the medication kicks in and we get back to some sort of normalcy here. Until then I will just keep treading lightly.

Thanks for checking in. It was nice to see that I am not totally alone and there were a few readers of my blog.

Catch you later….

Like most people that suffer from bipolar disorder, my husband hates large groups. We do not attend many company functions, parties or even go window shopping at the mall. Yes, we go shopping, but there is always a purpose and as he likes to say “there is a 3 store limit”.  I plan my weekend time accordingly and sometimes end up running out with the kids by myself to complete my tasks.

People are funny. Sometimes you can be really involved with them and then later realize they weren’t the friend or confidant you thought they were. I have learned this from my husband, most people cannot be trusted. I know it seems like a cynical way to look at the world, but I have been stepped on and thrown under every bus imaginable. Every time I think I have made a good friend, well you know where I am going with this. 

So, back to where I was headed with this post. We made it through the holidays and Happy New Year 2007. I have big plans for this year and God willing I will accomplish them.

Resolutions are a tough group. Many people make them but most don’t keep them. My husband and I have both resolved to work harder on our relationship this year, to be better parents, and to give back whenever we can.

With that said, I am off to get the kids up and get ready for work. Catch you later…

I run to the grocery store and back and he complains that I was gone for hours. I run across the street to the local gas/deli and upon my return I am undoubtly questioned as to where I have been, who I was meeting. I try to tell myself, this is a part of his disease but maybe it is more a part of who he is?? 

If I go to the grocery store, usually I have the kids with me. It takes more time to get around with kids then if you are by yourself just running in to a store. Also, I have to think more about what I am getting. I have lived the last 15 years worrying about upsetting him. Not buying the right bread, forgetting to pick up his beer while I am out, there is a lot of stress being married to a bipolar person. I am constantly reminded of his triggers and do my best to not flip the switch.

In his mind it takes me forever to get ready. In my mind, I have to get myself and two children ready. Can you see the difference there? He is only responsible for himself, I am responsible for the kids. He gets up, showers, grabs his coffee (that I made) and is out the door. He cannot understand why two hours later, I am just heading out the door myself.  “What did I do for the last two hours?”, he asks. In my mind, I run down a long list of things I have accomplished this morning for myself and the kids: showers, brush teeth, we’re all dressed, breakfast, lunches made, beds made, shoes on, backpacks set, dishes done, house neatened up. But I reply, “I had to get myself and the kids ready”. His reply to that “It takes you forever to do anything!”

Really, he can’t tell time…